How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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