I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
