fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
