she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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