He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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