Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
