Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
All I want is dick and wine.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The air taste purple.
Randomize
