Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
