i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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