i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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