Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
