please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
