It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
