This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
