I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
