so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
