I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
