Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
