Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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