You're my little dorito
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
