the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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