I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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