Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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