Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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