If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
