dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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