I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
