the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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