U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
