my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize