I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize