my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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