I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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