im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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