If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
