strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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