I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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