I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
