a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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