Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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