Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
