Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
