I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
