you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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