You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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