omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
