She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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