Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
