Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
