You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
