I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
