drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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