What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
being pregnant is like rehab
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
