Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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