i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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