So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
