uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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