Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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