he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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