I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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