We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
