I hate your face
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I have fence marks all over my body
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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