I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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